Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
set yourself free xox
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Never ghost your hitman.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Somebody’s lying.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
be careful
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.