boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
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*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.