Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
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[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.