No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.