*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos