Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
yeah 😭
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.