Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
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BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
nyc:
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
constantly working on myself.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Lmao
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?