A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?