I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Taco Bell, Exit 22
How all things should be taught/explained.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.