He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.