I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The government even made aliens boring
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face