Me: how are you
Friday: good
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Are you ok, human???
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Oops I deleted….
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.