Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Before & after 😅
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
i will not be silenced
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.