4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
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Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever