[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
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Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?