Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
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My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Finally, an explanation.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving