“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
You Might Also Like
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so