People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
hmmm
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
New Tinder profile.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott