BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
(Electricians.)
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*