Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My new favorite headline
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.