I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Best table by far
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs