Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
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Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.