“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
You Might Also Like
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.