Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
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I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.