*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
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nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
the #horror is real!
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.