i made a craigslist ad !
You Might Also Like
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.