Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now