I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words