I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Here’s a meme
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
barbara was highly relatable
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.