[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
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Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I don’t know what to do
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
The first matador
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.