God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names