Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
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Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I don’t make the rules sorry
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.