“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
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My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
WHY?!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*