You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral