I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
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Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.