You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
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Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent