[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.