[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My diet starts in January
of 2027
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
These work great until they don’t.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.