Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.