Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who