“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.