My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
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If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
In case you needed to hear it:
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
that de-escalated quickly
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
#SaturdayBears
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.