*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec