Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]