A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
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I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend