If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
a lot to unpack here
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My god she’s good.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.