I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
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[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.