Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.