Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
*weighs self after shaving
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*