Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
You Might Also Like
time for some seasonal decor
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.